I have my exam tomorrow - which I simply need to make 58 in the exam to get an A in the class.
Don't ask how.
But, I really feel the need to write this.
Mostly for myself.
Cause I'm quite self-centered.
I went rollerblading couple days ago.
For the third time in my life.
My first time, I actually went ice skating.
Fell at the back of my head.
Went to the infirmary.
They gave me tylenol/panadol.
I passed out for an hour or two.
My second time, which is actually last year, was actually not an easy skating day.
I was scared of even trying to skate.
Of course, if you have a bad memory of going to the infirmary and having half of your high school classes worrying about your fall, you may have this same problem as mine.
But, I did it. I prevailed. I had fun. It was a rollerskate, so it was so much easier than doing ice skating.
This year, I went with the rollerblade (because they don't have rollerskates).
It was horrible.
The bruises are horrible.
They are purple, swollen and awful.
But, that's not the point of this blog post.
I think it's important for me to learn to remember that whenever I fell while skating, I stood up.
I reminded myself that learning to skate is nothing compared to what I've been through.
The pain will eventually go away (which is true, until I had to go to mass and kneel and it hurt like crazy)
It's not the falls that hurt.
It's the probability of being hurt by not trying that probably will hurt me the most.
Being an onlooker and just looking at how people try and fall hurt me more than this ridiculously big bruise.
Which I can somewhat connect to my major.
Rejection hurts. They always hurt.
Losing competitions, getting rejected, they all hurt.
Waking up in the morning and realizing that all your pieces that you prepare for the final round that you don't make won't be played hurt. (It actually hurt so much that I just cried)
Reading your rejection letters from various universities hurt.
They sure hurt me deeply.
(Like at one point, I couldn't even practice for two weeks)
But that shouldn't stop me (or you) from even trying.
I think that the choice not to do it at all will hurt me more than trying and falling.
Saying no and regretting later are way more painful than trying and falling miserably.
The feeling of being haunted by your conscience because you are not courageous to even try, I believe, hurts more than the actual failure.
All I know is that I'm proud of my bruises.
(I'm really sorry for people who have to listen to my prideful story of how I got my bruises)
I'm proud of'em because I know that I tried. I fell miserably and numerous times in the progress, but I tried.
I didn't just sit back and watch others skate, wishing that I could skate too.
I stood up after I fell and that matters to me.
That's probably why I kept all those admission rejection letters on my piano back at home.
That's probably why I kept all those jury comments on all those competitions that I didn't win or even make to the final round.
They're all battle scars, proves that I, at least, tried.
ps. This is actually what gives me inspiration to write this blog post:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2013/apr/26/james-rhodes-blog-find-what-you-love
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