Insecurity

Let me be honest.
Ever since I got home here, in this magical tropical country called Indonesia...almost every person that I meet/talk to ask me whether I have a boyfriend.
This sucks...for real.

Over the lengthy 9 months I spent in the US of A, I kinda develop a mindset that having a boyfriend doesn't matter. Let me be real. I don't even have (or actually want) to spend time, my precious time (yes, imagine me saying precious just as Gollum saying precious in LOTR), with a boy who may not make me happy. I guess I have seen enough scenes of my close friends got hurt by boys...tears here and there, running to do simple errands-yes, getting tissue from the bathroom, and such.

now tell'em how precious the ring is, Gollum

 I went home with this confidence in my heart: "I ain't gonna spend time with boys who merely wanna date girls just because they're pretty or whatsoever."
Just as pink said in her song, "I don't wanna be a stupid girl."

That...is pretty much my mindset upon arriving in Indonesia.

However, things don't always turn out pretty well.
My friends, my aunts, my friends in the church choir, all silly friends of my mom, all of these sick people keep asking me whether I have a freaking boyfriend or not.
NO, I DON'T FREAKING HAVE A BOYFRIEND. GRAAAAAAHHHHHH.

Thus, after a month, I begin to have doubt in my mindset.
People keep telling me to dress up, to wear make up, to please people.
I just want to be myself, actually, but I begin to have doubt in this.

I'm a Unicorn (and so can you!)

I don't really want to put some magical unicorn dust called powder unto my face so that I please a boy who I'm not attracted to.
Yes, someone must have killed all these unicorns, taken their horns and turned the horns into powders. Yes, evil people!
Back to topic. Okay, going to malls. How big is the percentage that I will meet my future boyfriend in a mall? Yeah, it's THAT small.
I don't really want to put some magical crayon unto my face either, y'kno eyeliner and stuffs. (And yes, I do understand about make-up.)
I don't even want to spend money buying new clothes-that may not be 'in' after a year, with my money I hardly worked my butt off...Yes, how could I tell my mom that I wanna buy all those expensive stuffs while she always tells me that I shall study hard so that I can maintain my scholarship so that she will be able to pay the tuition so that I don't have to type another 'so that'?
I kinda believe that boys who like girls who wear make up maybe those who like lies.
Let's be honest. Isn't make up some kind of lies that are allowed by public?

Lately, one of my high school friends talked to me via BBM.
She told me how she used to feel down among her clique since she was the only one who didn't have a boyfriend. I ain't gonna tell you who. I shouldn't...right?
Anyway, she told me that she finally attracts boys through dressing up.
She is a nice person. I do like her.
She cares about me...and she told me that I shall dress up too.
Then, I said yes.
Afterwards, I opened a magazine in my bedroom, trying to understand fashion...and I don't understand, at all. I mean, sometimes...learning to play a Mozart sonata in two months is easier than learning fashion, styles...and such.

Thus, here I am, feeling insecure just because I never really have a boyfriend (I got one for three weeks, wasn't serious at all, completely my fault..and I don't think it shall be counted as having a boyfriend...although it works well as a self-defense every time somebody judged me as never having a boyfriend)
I told my mom, of course-this is not something I usually do, I'm not that talkative to my mom, I guess, and guess what she said,"You should focus more on your studies." Sure Mom, it helped sooo much...judging from the fact that you dated dad, a college student, when you were in high school.

PWSSHHH.

Let me get back to my secure corner in my secure room out of this insecurity atmosphere around this insecure world.

ps. I also kinda feel insecure about my future...or about my improvement in my piano studies or to the fact that I may not win the competition I'm trying to do on July or to the fact that I don't really have fun at all during summer.

pps. I kinda feel that I shouldn't feel this way. I mean...there was one of those IT girls who told me that she wished her English competency is as great as mine. (oh, and my english is actually getting worst from speaking my native language 24/7) Hey, I'm Asian. We are supposed to be kinda...greedy and stingy...and ambitious..and such.  Our cheapness...isn't it supposed to be the second best in the Earth...yeah, right after Jews.

Oh, how I just wanna reprise Dobby's words: "Dobby...is freee!"

Now, it's the time for me to escape.