I met my piano prof, who told me that I should not practice piano until my left pinky finger is healed. She also suggested me to x ray it. This may seems weird, but I feel sad. I want to practice. I want to be better...whenever I think about my piano friends back home, they're always, always, always a thousand steps further than me. It is so frustrating to know that piano jury is going to come soon and yet I can not practice. I can not play my Haydn, completely unable. It hurts too much, especially in octave, sixteenth notes, and forte. I want to practice. I can't say that I don't want to practice. And I spent an hour and a half, thinking about this inability while waiting until it's 4 o'clock; I have an appointment with another professor at 4. I can't lie that I did not cry. However, I could control my emotion to before I met my another professor.
I met him, in full control of my emotion. We talked about how to improve my score in his class, Ear Training and Sight Singing. I have no problem with sight singing, but I do have problems with dictation. I'm not able to recall every single things during that long one and a half hour with him. He is amazing; He is kind, warm, and sweet. (note: he is old. stop) I feel happy to discuss music, always, always, always happy to talk about it.
We talked from method, strategy, and benefit of mastering rhythmic dictation. I have problem with rhythmic, even in playing piano; thus, he said that if I am able to master this, it will help me in my piano...then I talked about my own method, and my mind hit Pak Joh. Before, I just messaged him about my finger.
It hit me so hard when he asked me whether I think I'm a successful musician. I told him, I'm not. I never win any competition and there are many things that I have to improve. This is when I started to unable to control my emotion. I ended up crying a lot during talking with him. He stated that I'm successful; Aren't you able to get a scholarship to go here? If you're not good enough, you didn't able to enter the competition. I know, my heart is still burdened with JCoM competition. I'm burdened with the fact that Pak Joh said that I almost made it. I'm burdened with the fact that I realized he was disappointed; I almost made it to the final. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to be what he called as the elites. I wanted to make him know that I'm also able to make it like others. Yet, I did not make it.
I blamed myself for it. I am not healed from my own heartache. I am just able to hide it from my own consciousness, but it is still there, inside my subconscious, popped out in the right time, the right time to make me cry. I am arrogant, proud of myself whenever my American friends tell me that I play fine; in the same time, I am unsure of myself, thinking of how others in Indonesia are better than me. I am burdened. My self image is a paradox.
My professor, Dr. Scarbrough, he is so sweet. He told me that I'm successful. He reminded me that JCoM is only one competition; completely reminded me what Pak Joh told me.
I just wished that this paradox inside my head will vanish soon. I'm so burdened with it.
I met him, in full control of my emotion. We talked about how to improve my score in his class, Ear Training and Sight Singing. I have no problem with sight singing, but I do have problems with dictation. I'm not able to recall every single things during that long one and a half hour with him. He is amazing; He is kind, warm, and sweet. (note: he is old. stop) I feel happy to discuss music, always, always, always happy to talk about it.
We talked from method, strategy, and benefit of mastering rhythmic dictation. I have problem with rhythmic, even in playing piano; thus, he said that if I am able to master this, it will help me in my piano...then I talked about my own method, and my mind hit Pak Joh. Before, I just messaged him about my finger.
It hit me so hard when he asked me whether I think I'm a successful musician. I told him, I'm not. I never win any competition and there are many things that I have to improve. This is when I started to unable to control my emotion. I ended up crying a lot during talking with him. He stated that I'm successful; Aren't you able to get a scholarship to go here? If you're not good enough, you didn't able to enter the competition. I know, my heart is still burdened with JCoM competition. I'm burdened with the fact that Pak Joh said that I almost made it. I'm burdened with the fact that I realized he was disappointed; I almost made it to the final. I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to be what he called as the elites. I wanted to make him know that I'm also able to make it like others. Yet, I did not make it.
I blamed myself for it. I am not healed from my own heartache. I am just able to hide it from my own consciousness, but it is still there, inside my subconscious, popped out in the right time, the right time to make me cry. I am arrogant, proud of myself whenever my American friends tell me that I play fine; in the same time, I am unsure of myself, thinking of how others in Indonesia are better than me. I am burdened. My self image is a paradox.
My professor, Dr. Scarbrough, he is so sweet. He told me that I'm successful. He reminded me that JCoM is only one competition; completely reminded me what Pak Joh told me.
I just wished that this paradox inside my head will vanish soon. I'm so burdened with it.
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